Death to the Insecurities

Often times, insecurities can sneak up on your life and try to take the driver seat. I don't believe that insecurities just eventually fade away, in fact, I think quite the opposite. I think that in order to conquer them, you must call them out, strike them down and work at them. Work at them like a bad habit to be broken. In many cases it’s simply a bad-mental-habit. Our minds, just like our bodies have muscle and activity memory and we have to relearn what we allow to trigger each feeling. Some call it crazy but I literally talk to myself out-loud and call myself out and I kindly let those I love know, including MYSELF that I am a work in progress, learning to grasp to the ropes with each grip. So be compassionate and when you feel those insecure feelings creep up on you, feel free to read this poem aloud and scream at them - I know I have – hell, I wrote it! Enjoy.


"Death To The Insecurities"

I want my insecurities to commit suicide.
I want them to face themselves as I have had to face them
and pull the trigger.
You are no longer welcome to exist within this being
I give you full permission to end your time with me
You are free to just
die.
Why you may ask?
Cuz I’m sick and tired of you entering my thoughts when you're not invited
I’m sick of you thinking you have so much power when you're really just lying about it
I’m sick of you trampling over my relationships as if you're begging for attention
I’m sick of you trying to be a star when clearly there is already one shining
I’m sick of you
I’m sick of every move you try to pull right when things are going good
I’m sick of you stepping on stage right when I’m about to perform and make me question what the judge in the first row thinks
I’m sick of you desiring to get the best of me.
I’m sick of feeling sad, feeling depressed and unworthy
I’m sick of feeling like "I can't do it", "they'll never do it" or "I'll never be"
I’m sick of feeling like you have the ability to take me from a moment of an ultimate high and push me off the edge to a freefall of self pity
I am sick of you
I am sick to my stomach thinking that I am not the one because of my thighs
what the last man did
what the last boss said
what my last job did
what my old best friend used to pull
what my old roommate always did
what my parents thought was right
what my church said was right
everything that you ever tried to get in between makes me sick
and I'd be happy to buy you the gun and end this right now!
In fact, you make me want to
so take your final bow
You can fall like the 12th hour plunge of the dow
I hope you crash like the nasdaq and never find the light of day in anyone ever again.
You have my permission to commit suicide
Jump the bridge
tie the rope
kick the chair
either way get the fuck outta here
and take any babies you may have conceived with you
Go to hell and don't try and hang out in any kind of purgatory
There will be inspections and I don’t want a single trace of you
I will swarm you with honest love
the purest of kindness
dreams bigger than originally imagined
I will kill you with respect
with commitment
with workouts and self help books
I will bury you with the blessings
and scorch with the fire of passion and morals
But I'd rather you take this chance and escort yourself out the door
I'd rather not hear anymore
‘Second-guessings’
no more ‘everyone is out to get me’
‘he used to’
‘she always did’
no more of that bull shit, none, no more
it’s time for your existence to end
Commit suicide you wanna-be friend

Opening The Door

It has been written by one of my fellow bloggers that “the one” for you will be able to open the door and greet as you would and with the utmost respect. Can you picture him/her, your prospective, your ideal man/woman, or even your crush opening your front door? To your friends? Your relatives? Your parents? Can you envision the handshakes, the hugs (as we do en mi familia) or the pouring of wine and making others feel comfortable? Can you picture it?

In thinking of this, I was chatting with a friend who began to ask some questions. I took this thought and in the midst of the questions I could not help but to immediately go to the place that I call, “my acceptance and my defeat.” I flipped the door idea and went back to the place of thinking, “will you accept all of me?” Would you allow yourself to open the door to the person I am beyond the simple definition and picture me opening your front door? To your friends? Your relatives? Your parents? Can you envision looking over at me as I chime your dishes and pour some wine? Can you feel the smile on your face from all the laughing and joking? Can you hear deep conversations and intellectual journeys? Can you see yourself opening the door to possibility? Imperfect to the degree yet in some ways, flawless at the core of me. Would you still open the door? Would you mind if our journey was a poetic one? Can you hear rhymes and songs as the creative juices subtly express themselves over more than just a few weeks, a few years? Can you open the door to dancing with me in the living room? How about opening the door to team work? Could you see yourself having me at your side, not in front or behind? Can you grasp a journey? Boys night or Girls night. Date night or Family night. Doing it big or finding the way.

Would you allow yourself to the open the door to this person?

And at some point, the number of doors that are willing to open for you will narrow. If one person can allow themselves to open their door to the person you are as well as open the door to the rest of your life and potentially the rest of your joint lives you will then watch the other doors close. This is not out of a foul heart, but because this certain door will be worth taking a chance and opening and maybe, just maybe, walking through.

Food for action…